It is uncomfortable for me to be here. I feel as though there is some kind of pressure building up inside of me. The love I have for him, the yearning to go, the sadness in hurting him, the fear of him lashing out, the fear of losing our friendship. I don't know how this will play out. I can't pretend I'm not leaving, but I find myself trying to shelter him from reminders. I hate causing him pain. I can feel it in my heart and I know that there is nothing I can do for him. I'm the one causing it. But it's not like I can stay, either.
He went to visit his family in Colorado. While he was there he was hospitalized with a 104 degree temperature. He had strep throat, abdominal pain. He couldn't keep any food down and he was dangerously dehydrated. There wasn't a thing I could do. I couldn't even call. Getting a divorce is easy. Inconvenient, but I have no qualms over it. Leaving him, actually leaving, and knowing I won't see him for a long time. Knowing that our lives are forever changed. Not knowing if my best friend, and the man I have loved since I was 16, will still be a part of my life... Well, that is hard. I just have to be strong and get through this like I have with everything else I've been through. I just hope that he's strong enough as well.
No comments:
Post a Comment