Liars, Lovers, and New Experiences

Liars. The world is full of them. What good are words anymore? What reason have we to believe them? Anyone can say anything at any time, and it means absolutely nothing. When I was small, I wanted to be a hermit in a small cottage somewhere, isolated from all other people. i think I was wiser then. In my short life so far, I have learned that people generally do not care enough about anyone other than themselves. And those of us who do care, enormously, are abused and stepped on until we are crushed and quite empty of any feeling at all beyond pain.

A couple in love. All sweet words and kind gestures in the beginning. How thoughtful of eachothers wants and wishes! How happiness breeds happiness in tender glances and a gentle hand. but a selfish or jealous heart comes into play...doubts form, and pride falters. Loving glances turn into suspicious glares, that joyful smile has withered into a frown of dissapointed hopes. They cling to one another, but the gentle embrace has turned into a possesive cage. Soon, dispointment turns into indifference. A once warm heart grows cold, while the other shatters. The lovers have become nothing but two lost souls.

I had a new experience the other day. I went to a party by choice. I don't drink, and I dont like men, so I generally don't go out very much. Surprisingly enough, however, I had a wonderful time! I only had trouble with one guy in particular, and I was not the only subect of his attentions. The host had a word with him, and all trouble ceased! I drank sparkling cider and roasted marshmallows. I talked with everyone, and they were quite friendly (and drunk). On occassion that made conversation difficult, but I think i managed. It has been a long time since I did something fun for myself. I almsot never leave the house without Kimo, and if I do, it is most likely to fulfill some responsibility or obligation rather than to have a good time. Though tomorrow I'm told we (Kimo, Micah, and I) are going to the movies to see X-Men. Of course, Kimo had also promised to take me to Miso Harney's Sushi on Monday, but I suspect he will have forgotten all about it. I know better than to expect anything.

How dull life is when you can't expect anything good to happen. I am secretly terrified that my life will remain the way it is...I'd rather die young than continue on in this way. But what can I do?

what if the sky was blue because it was happy?

lol, I actually asked that question in my diary on December 16, 2004...

I've been reading my diary entries from the beginning. It is...interesting to see how very much i have changed in those years. And how much he has changed. But still, it makes me smile.
Life was so simple then, and i wished so hard for some excitement, for something to happen to me. for adventure. I suppose part of my heart still yearns fo adventure. backpacking through europe, or just driving around the country, without a deadline or a goal... Those things really appeal to me.

I'm feeling very nostalgic right now. But very tired...It's almost 6:30 and i haven't gone to sleep yet. I'm going to fix that soon.

Here's a quiz result for my inner color.

You are white. You are pure, but what also comes with that, is the ability to be manipulated and to manipulate. You cannot change or be changed, you really have no idenity, you just do what is necessary. You are completely pure, and no amount of lust that you act on can tarnish you because lust is NOT you. You are seperate from the real world, you create you own. Unfortunately, that world is terribly lonley...
so true in so many many ways. kind of creepy.

I Eat, I Drink, I Breathe. Please don't ask for anything else.

It's getting more difficult. I knew it would. There just isn't enough in my life that a really enjoy. Even the pretense of happiness I wear is beginning to be too troublesome. I am play-acting my own life. Fulfilling the essentials of life and whatever I can bear to do beyond that. And the worst part is, there isn't a cure. I've been searching for months now, trying to find an interest, a hobbny, something I could be passionate about.

All I have are my mediocre drawings and the guitar (which I suck at, by the way). Oh, and my marriage, My borderline-obsessive love for my husband. Is that all there really is to me?

I did feel slightly better the other day...I went shopping. Seriously, it always helps, no matter what. It saved me from the brink of another breakdown and let me bury my broken heart for a little while longer. I got a couple new tops from Anthropologie, and I fell in love with a tunic from Free People, but i can't afford that yet. But it WILL be mine eventually. If only I cared as much for other aspects in my life as I did for my clothes...it's the only thing that really excites me at this point.

I know I'm depressed. I know the symptoms. Not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to eat, or take a shower, or anything at all. not even wanting to exist. But I am afraid of anti-depressants. I don't want to be dependent on them, or become suicidal. Not wanting to exist and wanting to kill yourself are two VERY different things. i don't want to cross that line.

Anyways, I'm making the best effort i can at the moment. i only hope it will be enough to get me out of this...funk I've been in since Christmas.

Life, as it were.

I am a simple person. I have simple wishes, simple desires, and simple dreams. I have loved one person with everything my simple heart has to offer. So why is it that my life is anything but simple?

Bah. Stupid question. I suppose I'm feeling sort of angsty today. That's what happens when I don't get much sleep. But i have today all to myself. I'm hoping to practice the guitar a little bit later on..and maybe even draw something, if my imagination feels up to it.

My White German Shepherd puppy, Yuki, was spayed today...so she's kind of....out of it. Poor girl. At least she's getting some sleep. And the cats don't have to hide so much right now.

I was really irritated with Kimo today. He didn't really do anything I guess, but he was grouchy, and I hate being snapped at. I dropped him off at the auto shop to pick up his always-something-wrong-with-me car. There goes our savings...it was really inconvenient timing what with Yuki's surgery and all. I actually thought we'd be able to put some green away this month. Oh well. Maybe next month will be better.

Our relationship is just so strange. We get along so well, and we almost never fight. We are always laughing together and having a good time. But it is so tainted, because we both know he just can't love me the way he should. I'll probably never be more to him than a glorified best friend/maid/ and all around good time girl. And me? I am just crazy for him. He makes the sun come up in my morning. All it takes is to see him walk into the room and suddenly everything is that much brighter. But he is my moon at night, too. Sometimes just looking at him is enough to break my heart all over again. It never even has a chance to mend before something else falls off. Stupid cheap heart. i need to trade it in for a better model. one that's stronger. One that doesn't fall madly in love with someone who could never love it back.

Crud., I'm being angsty again. *sigh* I need a healthy distraction. Maybe I'll draw something after all. toodles!