Can't wait to move on

I want so much to just move forward with my life and leave all the pain, despair, loneliness, and disappointment behind me. It is very hard to do while going through all your belongings.

You pack the dress you walked down the aisle in when you were 17 and in Vegas and so in love. You remember the day you bought it, the joy, the anticipation of looking forward to the life that never would be what you wanted.

You pack away the baby shirt you bought for the future child you would have with him. You think about that imaginary baby. What it would look like, feel like. The way it would cry, it's soft breath as it slept. That baby would never come to exist now.

Letting go of these things is hard, even though I have no desire to have his children now, or to be married to him now. Those dreams are still there and they're much harder to let go of than the reality.

Full Circle

Finally things are as they should be. Kimo arrived home from Denver not as my husband, or former lover, but as my friend. He understands now that, while he loves me dearly, he is not in love with me. He is fully on board with the divorce now, so I don't see any complications there. We are friends. More than friends, I don't know of any two people closer than we are, that love each other the way we do. But it's the right way now.
We had a long talk tonight. It seems like all the truths are out. I feel washed clean. No resentment or bitterness, I feel closer to him than I have in a long time. Something changed in the last 48 hours, and the relationship between us has formed into something special, without any romantics or sex to muss it up.

Now my biggest sadness is just that im going to miss him so much when I'm gone. There are only a few days left here. But we are going to start writing letters again...just like we used to so long ago. I guess we've come full circle at last.

Oh, I See

I figured out why this upset me so much. For years, I comforted myself with the thought that, because of what he went through during the war, he was incapable of having feelings of love and tenderness, and all the things that were lacking in our marriage. So now that he has those feelings for someone else, even though I don't have a problem with that, it shows that he is perfectly capable of having those feelings...just not with me. Ah. Yeah. That's what hurts. It hurts a lot.


- moving forward, one foot in front of the other, to walk a straight path.

Complicated Feeling

I picked him up from the airport last night. After a little while I just asked him straight out if he had hooked up with anyone (because I told him that when he found someone else, certain aspects in our friendship would have to change). He said that he didn't have sex with anyone, but he thought that he was falling for someone. Needless to say I was surprised until I found out who. They had liked each other before we went out, and even for a bit while we were dating, probably. So apparently after all these years the feelings were there, buried.
Such a complicated feeling. I'm happy to say that this did not break my heart, which confirms that I really am not in love with him anymore. But it did make me sad somehow. In selfish ways. He made out with her...he never liked to kiss me. He watched her sleep, he used to do that with me so very long ago. Am I really that easy to get over?
And then I remember. It's not that he got over me quickly, it's just that he has been over me for so long, and he didn't know. I knew. But somehow having it confirmed was painful.
At the same time, I am happy for him. Him being interested in someone else is making my leaving so much easier on him. I'm really very glad about that. I'm also glad that he knows he doesn't love me that way now. He was hurting for no reason before.
This also seemed to put us at strictly friendship in just one night. Now I really believe that we can be close like before, as long as I keep my selfish feelings out of the way. He won't hate me for leaving now that he sees I was right.

In the end, I was right to let him go.


- moving forward, one foot in front of the other, to walk a straight path.

Strange Tension

It is uncomfortable for me to be here. I feel as though there is some kind of pressure building up inside of me. The love I have for him, the yearning to go, the sadness in hurting him, the fear of him lashing out, the fear of losing our friendship. I don't know how this will play out. I can't pretend I'm not leaving, but I find myself trying to shelter him from reminders. I hate causing him pain. I can feel it in my heart and I know that there is nothing I can do for him. I'm the one causing it. But it's not like I can stay, either.
He went to visit his family in Colorado. While he was there he was hospitalized with a 104 degree temperature. He had strep throat, abdominal pain. He couldn't keep any food down and he was dangerously dehydrated. There wasn't a thing I could do. I couldn't even call. Getting a divorce is easy. Inconvenient, but I have no qualms over it. Leaving him, actually leaving, and knowing I won't see him for a long time. Knowing that our lives are forever changed. Not knowing if my best friend, and the man I have loved since I was 16, will still be a part of my life... Well, that is hard. I just have to be strong and get through this like I have with everything else I've been through. I just hope that he's strong enough as well.

So it's finally come to this

So it has finally happened. I told him that I'm leaving. I have to say that if someone had told me at the beginning that I would be the one to say goodbye, I would have thought they were stark raving mad. But here we are.

It seems like a pretty unique circumstance for a divorce. We aren't fighting, and we get along wonderfully. We both love each other very much, and have never had any trouble in the bedroom department. But we could never be truly happy together.

It goes beyond being polar opposites, it's about wanting different things out of life and having different priorities. The life that would bring him happiness would stifle me, and the life that would bring me happiness would bore him to death. The solutions would be for either one of us to give up everything that mattered to their happiness for the other persons dream, or for both parties to live in an uneasy compromise, where neither one of us gets what we want.

So here comes my solution. We go back to being friends. If you are the least bit familiar with the story of my marriage then you know that it has been closer to a friendship than a marriage in the first place. By staying friends, we won't have to lose each other, we can go on loving each other and providing support. I just won't live with him anymore. This will allow both of us to focus on what we really want out of life and fulfill our totally different dreams while still having the other person in our lives.

For me that means finally starting school ( I never thought it would be put off this long) and learning how to put myself first and stand up for my needs and wants. They are just as important as anyone else's.

He is handling it the best that can be expected. I never thought I would hurt him, but I think deep down he has recognized that my decision is the best choice for both of us in the long run, even if it seems so difficult now.

I'm leaving him with just about everything. Only taking my personal belongings. He can keep the house, the furniture, the bank account. I'm trying to make this as easy on him as possible. All I want now is freedom.

Mind Made Up

I know now that i'm going to leave my husband. It's not that he's done anything particularly wrong, or that I resent him. On the contrary, I love him very much, but I've realized that we make better friends than spouses. He will never be able to give me the love and support I need, and I'm just not what he wants right now.

I've done a lot of thinking about a lot of things, and what it basically comes down to is that the kind of life that would make him happy is completely different than what makes me happy. There is no common ground. I'm going to stick around for awhile longer, I really dread telling him. This will break both our hearts, but deep down I know this is right. I hope we can part as friends without regrets. I'm so tired of tears, and saying goodbye to the love of my life will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.